Lately, I’ve been really bored with job and life and everything, and all I do is lurking over some psychological articles, like ones on Psychology Today. I read mostly about Psychopathy (hello, Criminal Minds!) and Narcissism. When I read some Narcissism related articles, I found that Narcissist love to brag, and then I remember someone…. the boss! Oh God he loves to brag unnecessary things like: “Aaaah, it’s not only you who check in, I do too, y’know!” in terms of hotel check-in. A widower checks in hotel? Of course, why not? Esp when he has a girlfriend, rite?
Well, NOT IN RELIGIOUS COUNTRY LIKE INDONESIA!
It’s not like I judge them for doing things they’re morally suppose to avoid (I don’t really care about pre-marital sex activities) but I’d be a total bitch if they brag about those shits, because it’s OBVIOUSLY against our culture, in front of people WHO ARE NOT EVEN YOUR CLOSE FRIEND. If the girlfriend stumbles upon this post, I hope she realises that’s what her oh-so-lovely-and-sweet boyfriend tried to tell every souls interested to hear the crap. Which, I reckon, is none.
Anyway, about bragging… Of course the master of search engine, Google, led me to articles related to parents brag about their kids milestones, which led me to this one particular site, STFU, Parents. It’s quite funny, tho, when you read sarcastic posts as a reaction on some posts made by ‘proud parents’, like the ultrasound pictures, the overjoy of having kid that they inform their friends on his/her grieving status (lost of dear ones), some updates of baby birth process (3cm crowning!! Oh, no, it’s 4cm now!!), some post-c-section picture of half opened mom and the baby (WTF?!), their kids picture on potty, and the poo, YES, THE POO! Oh God…
Then it reminds me of some friends and relatives who love to share some pregnancy report, sometimes with pictures, ultrasound, and babies, babies, babies, babies… I, for once, felt the joy that they are reaching a new stage of their life and now that they have the reason to live more than ever. But, constant reminder that being a mom is the best job you can ever get, the best thing in the whole world is to see your baby sleeping peacefully, how wonderful a toddler’s growth is, how cute babies are, how they completed the parents’ life, how ah-may-zing being a mom is, how you’d sacrifice anything for the kids, you go have your own kids, we’re sure you’re gonna have yours soon…….. kinda makes me feel like I am less meaningful as a woman since I have never had anything worth coming out of my body.
Especially now, when all of the closest friends I have around are having babies or expecting ones… Sometimes it drives me crazy. The changes of topics we’re talking: the pregnancy talks and insights, the breastfeeding things, the babies growth, the sleep deprivation, the diets, the…… Ah!!! I don’t want to be involved in such talk, as much as they don’t want to talk about what I learn at school. But again, I’d be considered a total jerk if I show lack of interest in pregnancy and babies talk.
I have to admit that I can’t say I love kids, toddlers, or even babies. They are noisy and annoying, esp because they are not mine. I know people would say: wait till you have one. Well, I am so freaking much waiting for it to happen!!! Seriously, I really want to feel that joy they keep reminding me about, I want to have a reason to live and have the priority of life as they keep mentioning. But constant reminder of these things really make me feel bad about myself.
I am now childless not by choice. I have to live the life where opposite sex aren’t interested in me or maybe find me difficult to like or think that I am worthless to keep, and I have to deal with it. If I may choose, I’d love to have a normal milestone as anybody else, not in terms of education or career, but things more natural like fall in love, in a relationship, get married, and have my own family. It’s completely a normal dream. And I know now I have to ditch the dream and face the fact.
So, I guess things are gonna be so much tougher now with me getting older and them having kids, while nothing particularly exciting happens in my life.
It sucks, really.
But as there is yin and yang, and two sides of coin, I am grateful I no longer have social medias (only IG), and that I am grateful to see my friends on IG only post smiling or sleeping baby picts, not those crying or pooping pictures.